Tickets to "Disneyland"

i think it's not so nice when i've been on hiatus from blogging for quite some time and when i'm back, i talk about depression and suicide again. you see, i have this thing on my mind that has been bugging me for like, i don't know, two weeks? but it surprises me that i didn't shed a single tear for it. maybe it's because i've reached the 20 year old mark. more matured.... maybe?

since i was little, my mom has taught me to stand up again if i fall, but i never take her words seriously. i have zero confidence level and i cannot do anything right. it also doesn't help when my whole world revolves around self-fulfilling prophecy. but there's always a reason i give up on something. when i was like 7 or 8, my mom encouraged me to join an essay competition where if you win, you get free tickets to Disneyland. i put so much effort in that fucking essay but what are the chances of me actually winning the competition, right? but i was such a hopeful kid that in the end when no news came back from Disneyland, i was heartbroken ): thereafter  i don't believe in joining contests because i don't believe that i can actually win something, save the time i won a food container in a coloring contest. i think everyone hated me for winning it because i was showing off. and the stupid lid wouldn't even close. ok it wasn't a very nice memory.

i was listening to Pink's Fucking Perfect because it's currently the only song that could make me feel better about myself. i find her words so true; "mistreated" "misplaced" "misunderstood". and when she sings, "mistaken" "always second guessing" "underestimated", something in me died a little. i wish i could turn back time and do it right. but it's too late. it's always too late.

if i can go back, i'll write a better essay. then maybe, just maybe, the Disneyland tickets would have been mine.